haunted
by veritas-always
Summary: 'She looks just as forlorn as she did the other night when she left him and he wants to tell her that she has to figure herself out before she comes back and gives him false hope because he really can't keep doing this, can't be here every time she remembers that she is supposed to love him.' A post-ep for 8x02, XX.


_"Stood there and watched you walk away  
From everything we had  
But I still mean every word I said to you..."  
Haunted / Taylor Swift _

* * *

It's only two days later when there's a knock at the front door. Rick feels his stomach bottom out the second he hears knuckles rapping on the wood. Ever since she left he's been terrified that he is going to get a phone call asking him to come down to the morgue and verify that it's her body lying lifeless on the table or that uniforms are going to be standing outside his front door with the same grim look on their face he's seen Kate give the families of victims so many times before. _  
_

But when he cautiously opens the door, she's there, alive and well. It's eerily similar to the night they began this thing when she came to him soaking wet, apologies tumbling out of her mouth, telling him she just wants _him_. Oh, how he wishes that were still true.

"What are you doing here?" he asks tentatively. She looks just as forlorn as she did the other night when she left him and he wants to tell her that she has to figure herself out before she comes back and gives him false hope because he really can't keep doing this, can't be here every time she remembers that she is supposed to love him. But he loves her too much to give her an ultimatum. There's a part of his heart that is so scraped raw that he thinks she wouldn't pick him over this obsession that has lived with her for her entire adult life, and that's why he won't make her choose. He can't lose her.

"Can I come in?"

Her voice is too small and broken for him to say no even if he wanted to, so he steps aside, lets his wife back into their home. For her height she looks remarkably tiny, only in a pair of ballet flats, arms wrapped securely around her middle. He wants to hug her, wants to feel her lithe frame snuggled up against his, pretend that the past three days didn't happen and she still wants this like she did a month ago. But he won't, because he hurts and it's her fault.

"I'm sorry," she says so quietly he almost misses the words. "I'm so sorry, Rick."

"You said that the other night. But you still left."

"I had to-" She stops herself, shaking her head, chin quivering with the tears she's fighting. "I thought I had to. I thought that would keep us safe. Keep _you_ safe. Get us a happy ending."

"I don't care if I'm safe if you are dead, Kate!" he shouts, making her wince. "Why can't you see that? I thought we were going somewhere. I thought we were going to make it and you-" His voice catches and he listens to a sob fall out of her mouth, but he can't stop, he needs her to understand what she's doing to him, what she's done to their relationship. "You are ruining that."

"No," she whimpers, swiping fiercely at the tears that escape. But he's right and she knows it. She's the one who doesn't care enough about him, about the life they were supposed to build- "I'm pregnant," she breathes, turning panicked eyes to him.

"Pregnant," he blurts stupidly. He blinks at her and then his expression darkens. "You went off on your own and you're- Kate. You were _shot._ Have you even gone to the hospital?"

Her silence is his answer and he growls. She's the most reckless and infuriating person he's ever met and she is pregnant with _his_ baby. Fuck.

"Come on," he says, grabbing her arm and yanking her to the door.

"Where-"

"To the hospital."

* * *

They're both quiet on the drive there. He's sure she is afraid to speak after he blew up on her, which is fine. He's still fuming. He doesn't think he could handle another apology from her, but one question won't stop niggling at him.

"Do you want it?" he asks, breaking the heavy silence.

"What?"

"The baby. Do you want it?"

"Of course I want it," she chokes out incredulously.

His shoulders sag in relief. That's one bridge crossed. The next will be a long way to the other side; raising this baby as a team as opposed to split custody. It hurts to even think about it, but their marriage is such a jumbled mess right now that it's hard to find a silver lining. He doesn't want this baby to be the only good thing that comes out of loving Kate Beckett.

"I came to you as soon as I knew," she tells him softly. He sees her watching him from the corner of his eye but he won't look at her. He's still pissed and she's his weakness. He won't forgive her so easily this time. "I took the test right before I came over. I wasn't hiding it."

"Is that the only reason why you came back?"

"No, but it was a wake up call," she admits truthfully. Her voice is an octave higher, choked by the tears she's trying to hold back and he wants to take the guilt and pain and fear out of her life, just bottle it all up and send it away so she can be happy. With him. "You were right the other night, Rick. If I have a problem, we have a problem. And I can't leave you to solve my problems on my own. You mean so much more to me than anything else, and this- a family with you? That's all I want. Just you and this baby."

"I want to believe you," he scrapes out, knuckles white where they're wrapped around the steering wheel. "I want to believe that I won't ever have to watch you walk out that door again, especially not with a baby on the way, but I can't, Kate. I don't know how to get past that right now."

"I don't expect you to forgive me right away," she rasps, and finally he glances at her in the passenger seat. Tears are rolling down her cheeks, her bottom lip trembling just slightly, and he _knew_ he shouldn't have looked at her. She's breaking his heart all over again, but this time his pain is for her. "I just want to come home," she finally whispers, eyes averted towards the window, following the buildings that pass them by.

"Nobody made you leave," he points out a little bitterly. He wants to take it back when he hears her fight to hold back a sob. Right. Hurting her won't make this better.

He finally pulls into the hospital parking garage, finding a spot easily in the late hour. When she meets him at the trunk of the car he can't help but drag her into a hug. Her entire body sinks into his, face buried in the fabric of his shirt.

"I'm angry with you," he whispers, holding her tightly. "I don't trust you. I hate what you did. I hate that you lied and kept me out of the loop. I hate that you left. But I love you. More than anything, Kate. All I want is for you to be happy. And that's either with me, or it's not-"

"Nothing makes me happier than you," she interrupts sharply, bringing her tear-filled gaze to his. "Don't trust me, be angry with me, that's fine. But don't ever doubt how happy you make me."

He doesn't have a response to that. All he's thought about for the last three days is what Bracken said, that she'll never be happy just being his wife. But her determination, the kind where she fights unapologetically for them, for him, starts the process of eliminating the wound that Bracken inflicted in Rick's faith in her.

"Come home," he says in spite of the storm that is still brewing below the surface. Like he told her the other night, his problems are her problems. They can't work through them apart. "Whatever this is, we'll try to figure it out. One day at a time. Just believe in me, believe in us."

She presses a surprising kiss to his lips, eyes burning bright with gratitude towards him.

"I already do."

* * *

 _This was inspired by multiple tweets I saw after last night's episode. I am so excited to see where Season 8 goes, and I would appreciate only reviews that are about my writing, not the writing on the show. Thank you._

 _Thank you to Evan for helping with edits. I appreciate you._


End file.
